Apple unveil iPod Grain

28 September 2008satire, news

At an exclusive product unveiling today (just 3 months since the last iPod hit the shelves), Steve Jobs of Apple announced they have developed and are about to release the smallest iPod to date. The iPod Grain, as the name implies, is about the size of a grain of sand. The new addition to the music player line-up from the Jesus Phone maker comes with a non-expandable 1TB of flash memory for all your songs.

Speaking of songs, the Grain exclusively plays formats in Apple’s proprietary format to maintain vendor lock-in and piss people off who prefer the free, open source, innovative and superior Ogg Vorbis format for their audio. To put songs on the Grain, the latest version of the inferior and unpopular music manager iChoons must be used. Connection comes via magic only as there is simply no room for pico-USB or micro-Firewire connections on the Grain. Simply place the Grain near your iChoons-enabled Intel-based computer and your music will instantly be available on the Grain.

Being of miniscule size, the battery issue was an enormous hurdle for The Orchard to overcome. Hugh Jass, a tech boffin from Apple, said “We’ve developed our own battery technology for the iPod. We religiously believe people should be freed from the burden of having to change batteries, so we made it non-changable. This is best for everyone.” He continued, “When battery life does eventually die, it doesn’t really matter as the Apple sheeple will buy our latest player at the time anyway.”

Actually listening to songs on the Grain proved somewhat problematic in initial trials for the style-conscious. The same magic used in transferring audio to the Grain is also used to send the audio to your ears; by simply placing the Grain in one of your pockets. Of course, the analogious “Apple-white” earphones were made redundant with this new technological advancement. All is not lost, however, as Appleites will be pleased to know they can purchase new and improved Grain-compatible fake earphones to ensure people know they have an iPod.

The Grain is packaged in a shiny white box measuring 6 inches on all sides; and is available for the lowest-ever extremeley-good-value-for-money can’t-get-better-than-this price of $475 (£575 GBP) from any Crapple store.